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Season 1 Quotes - Season 2 Quotes - Season 3 Quotes - Season 4 Quotes

Season 1, Episode 1 Quotes

Roy: Have you tried turning it off and on again? Uh, okay, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? ..yeah, you need to turn it on. Uh, the button turns it on.. yeah, you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.
Moss: Ahh wicked. I know what this is. It's the new Harry Potter. I got the child edition and the adult edition just to check there are no differences in the text.

Moss: She is quite the oddball. Did you notice how she didn't even get excited when she saw this original ZX81?
Moss: My ear's getting hot!

Season 1, Episode 2 Quotes

Roy: I don't know why they just couldn't keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?
Moss: You mean 999.
Roy: I mean 911!
Moss: That's the American one, you berk.
Moss: Well that's easy to remember. (singing in a similar style to the ad) 0118 999 881 999 119 725! (pauses) 3!
Moss: (after attempting to dial the new emergency services number) Hello. Is this the Emergency Services? (pause) Then which country am I speaking to?
(There is a fire in the office and Moss decides to send an e-mail to Emergency Services)
Moss: "Subject: Fire. Dear Sir stroke Madam: I'm writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal.
(Moss deletes what he typed)
Moss: "Dear Sir stroke Madam: Fire. Exclamation mark. Fire. Exclamation mark. Help me. Exclamation mark. 123 Clarandon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."
Moss: I can't go to prison, Roy, they'll rape the flip out of me!
Roy: I don't know if it's the loss of blood, or the melting plastic from the monitor, but I feel great.
Fireman: Did somebody e-mail us about a fire?

Season 1, Episode 3 Quotes

Moss: You look like Ghandi.. no, wait, not Ghandi, the other one.. Bono.
Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT man who works in a basement. Yes I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!
Moss: If you were a serial killer, what would your nickname be? Mine would be "The Gardener", because I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.
Roy: What would your murder weapon be?
Moss: (thinking) A hammer.

Season 1, Episode 4 Quotes

Roy: (singing) We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.
Jen: How can you two live like this?
Moss: (starts typing) How can you two live..
Roy: Don't Google the question, Moss!

Season 1, Episode 5 Quotes

Roy: (on the phone) Hello Judy. What can I do for you?
Judy: Computer's broken.
Roy: Is it a PC or a Mac?
Judy: Yes!
Roy: If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
Jen: Oh.. my God! Before you brought it to their table?
Roy: (speaking sarcastically) No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?
Roy: While he was eating did you hear anyone laughing? Like, in the kitchen area?
Jen: Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.
Roy: That'd be trouser food!

Season 1, Episode 6 Quotes

Jen: Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Moss: Smarties cereal.
Jen: Oh my God.. I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.
Jen: I've got Aunt Irma visiting.
Moss: Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that.
Jen: It's my term for my time of the month.
Roy: Oh.
Moss: What time of the month? The weekend?
Jen: No.
Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: You know, it's "high tide".
Moss: But we're not on the coast.
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'm "closed for maintenance"!
Moss: Closed for maintenance?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the communists!
Moss: Well, they do have some strong arguments.
Roy: (Giving Moss a better hint) Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!
Moss: Oh... Okay.
Roy: I can't believe there's a psychiatrist in the building. All because those two from accounts just had enough of everything and wanted to go to the seaside.
Moss: The seaside? They committed suicide, Roy
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